A Mother’s Letter Through the Eyes of a Not So Favorite Daughter

To My dear daughter,

First and foremost, know that I am your mother and I will always love you….I had you in my tummy for nine months just like your other siblings.

You are my seventh of my eight children. Imagine having all of you – all born through normal delivery and an interval of one/two years for each! That must be insane but you are all blessings from God and my love for all of you is immeasurable and cannot be equated by who is more sweet, kind, giving, doting or affectionate. Each and every one of you has his/her own unique personality. You and your siblings are God’s greatest gift to me and your father.

You just didn’t know the feeling of both excitement and apprehension while carrying you in my womb. You may not understand how I was feeling but your older siblings were with me during those nine months of roller coaster ride until you finally came out looking like an angel to join us and complete a big happy family. Of course, we were all ecstatic to welcome you! Your father and I were the most excited of all to see you. You were heaven sent!

The moment I saw you, I knew you were going to be special and grow up to be someone I would be proud of. While you were training how to walk and talk, I used to gush at how you learned so fast…. a proud mom moment! Little did I realize that you were growing up so fast… you started tagging along with me wherever I go. You always cried nonstop whenever you were not allowed to tag along – thus you earned the moniker “long playing!”

My crybaby…. I knew you always felt neglected and unloved. You felt envious whenever your older sisters or youngest sister got new sets of clothes and you had none. You resented the fact that what’s in store for you were all hand-me-downs which made you believe that you were not the “favorite.” But you know my dear daughter, I never played favorites…. I had to make it clear to you that I had to work on a shoestring budget. Whatever extra I had on hand was set aside for essentials.

As a young child, you were sickly evident in your stick thin body frame. You were always my top priority whenever you fell ill because you needed the most care and attention. Did you know that your siblings were jealous of the attention I was giving you? Remember when you came home from school crying only because your big bro went home ahead leaving you behind? Your brother got a mouthful from me as I hugged you tightly to pacify you. I also bought you new sets of clothes and toys occasionally while your siblings had none.

Perhaps you always thought that you were nowhere near the beauty, wit and intelligence of your siblings – you were craving for more attention. Honestly, when one day you told me you love me zero, I confidently answered back, “it’s okay, Mama loves you unconditionally anyway!” – and then there was silence. I always knew all along you just wanted a reassurance which probably stemmed from your insecurities and very low self-esteem. But worry not my dear, you are well-loved…no ifs and buts…..
Now that you’re an adult and all, I pretty much know that you still have in you that so called lack of “self-worth.” Not being able to meet your expectations in life does not necessarily make you less of an achiever. Probably God has other big plans for you that will be given to you in HIS perfect time…

My dear, know that you were never neglected…. you are my favorite and will always be along with your siblings. Trust in God and yourself – slowly but surely you will definitely get there!

Your Reassuring Mom

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A Note to My Mother

Mom, I sit here in my own little cozy corner writing you my letter. It is past midnight and I couldn’t sleep (sigh….). It has been this way for the past few months though – deprived of sleep. It’s killing me. I must have been over thinking or perhaps just the classic case of a woman’s “crisis”…….. the so called ticking of biological clock. It comes with aging I understand.

With so many thoughts running through my head, I always wanted to write you a note ….Incidentally, it’s December (how time flies so fast) and I am again starting to get the emotional feels (typical of me for the past several holiday seasons) knowing that you are not around to be with me/us. You “left,”- me barely knowing what life is all about. It has all been tough, Mom, going through life without a mother’s care and wisdom. Your absence in my life made me resent going back home for the holidays and even on significant occasions/events only because there was always something missing or perhaps lacking in every celebration. Being home always reminds me that the family will never ever be whole again. It’s like looking at a glass half empty. It was not easy, though, physically detaching “me” to what have always been a tradition – family togetherness/closeness.

I wanted a world of my own where I could freely do what I wanted my life to happen. Perhaps this was my way of warding the emptiness off my system. There was always this suppressed emotion I wanted to shake off for the longest time. To be honest mom, I felt liberated – it was easier to be me… no judging and prying eyes with every decision I made. It was like…finally! Life wasn’t perfect though – it was no walk in the park. Yes, I have fallen down many times….been through rough and rocky roads…..been at the crossroads of my life and still am today but I also have had my fair share of the best things in life. What counts perhaps is not how many times I was broken into pieces but how I brought the pieces back together again and again. For every lessons life has thrown at me, you could have been there to hug me, comfort me, give me a pat on the back and squeeze my hand to show your unconditional love and care. You must be proud of me, nonetheless…. I managed to live a “respectable” life.

Time is ticking by so fast and I only hear a deafening silence around with only me, perhaps, wide awake – couldn’t get myself to sleep yet. Feeling the December chill now, I faintly play ”A Mother’s Christmas Wish…” on the background to counter the stillness of the dawn while I scribble the last part of my letter.
“I wish you love, a life to share, and when you find someone to care, I hope that time is kind to you and that all your dreams come true. This is a mother’s Christmas wish for you. And when you wake on Christmas day With children of your own I know then you’ll see What you’ve been to me You are the greatest gift of all.”
I cringe. I hear the soulful melody and lyrics of the song. I know this would have been your wish for me though I always felt that I was “not your most favorite” child. I choke at the thought of you mom. My eyes well up as I take a deep breath to hold back the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I am falling apart but holding on.

And yes, it’s December. It should be a happy thought but for some reason, I stopped looking forward to this month of the year…… Exactly today, is the 22nd year since you went to be with the Lord. I still miss you dearly, mom. Perhaps, you are that one heart break I will never be able to move on from. A loss will always be a loss. The pain of losing you at my early age will forever stay but maybe, just maybe …it merely became more bearable over the years.

“And if I could just see you, everything would be alright.”

Am still your Cry Baby….