Mom, I sit here in my own little cozy corner writing you my letter. It is past midnight and I couldn’t sleep (sigh….). It has been this way for the past few months though – deprived of sleep. It’s killing me. I must have been over thinking or perhaps just the classic case of a woman’s “crisis”…….. the so called ticking of biological clock. It comes with aging I understand.
With so many thoughts running through my head, I always wanted to write you a note ….Incidentally, it’s December (how time flies so fast) and I am again starting to get the emotional feels (typical of me for the past several holiday seasons) knowing that you are not around to be with me/us. You “left,”- me barely knowing what life is all about. It has all been tough, Mom, going through life without a mother’s care and wisdom. Your absence in my life made me resent going back home for the holidays and even on significant occasions/events only because there was always something missing or perhaps lacking in every celebration. Being home always reminds me that the family will never ever be whole again. It’s like looking at a glass half empty. It was not easy, though, physically detaching “me” to what have always been a tradition – family togetherness/closeness.
I wanted a world of my own where I could freely do what I wanted my life to happen. Perhaps this was my way of warding the emptiness off my system. There was always this suppressed emotion I wanted to shake off for the longest time. To be honest mom, I felt liberated – it was easier to be me… no judging and prying eyes with every decision I made. It was like…finally! Life wasn’t perfect though – it was no walk in the park. Yes, I have fallen down many times….been through rough and rocky roads…..been at the crossroads of my life and still am today but I also have had my fair share of the best things in life. What counts perhaps is not how many times I was broken into pieces but how I brought the pieces back together again and again. For every lessons life has thrown at me, you could have been there to hug me, comfort me, give me a pat on the back and squeeze my hand to show your unconditional love and care. You must be proud of me, nonetheless…. I managed to live a “respectable” life.
Time is ticking by so fast and I only hear a deafening silence around with only me, perhaps, wide awake – couldn’t get myself to sleep yet. Feeling the December chill now, I faintly play ”A Mother’s Christmas Wish…” on the background to counter the stillness of the dawn while I scribble the last part of my letter.
“I wish you love, a life to share, and when you find someone to care, I hope that time is kind to you and that all your dreams come true. This is a mother’s Christmas wish for you. And when you wake on Christmas day With children of your own I know then you’ll see What you’ve been to me You are the greatest gift of all.”
I cringe. I hear the soulful melody and lyrics of the song. I know this would have been your wish for me though I always felt that I was “not your most favorite” child. I choke at the thought of you mom. My eyes well up as I take a deep breath to hold back the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I am falling apart but holding on.
And yes, it’s December. It should be a happy thought but for some reason, I stopped looking forward to this month of the year…… Exactly today, is the 22nd year since you went to be with the Lord. I still miss you dearly, mom. Perhaps, you are that one heart break I will never be able to move on from. A loss will always be a loss. The pain of losing you at my early age will forever stay but maybe, just maybe …it merely became more bearable over the years.
“And if I could just see you, everything would be alright.”
Am still your Cry Baby….